GITNC (Gluten Is The New Crack)

Gluten Is The New Crack

Delicious, addictive, mind-altering, and toxic; Gluten and Crack are not far from each other on my list of dangerous and illegal substances. 

Of course, I'm asking myself why in the world I would have ever let myself slip back into the spiraling, black hole of death that is the ooey, gooey, stretchy, crunchy, euphoric Gluten?

I have no answer other than, I am a weakling. I gave in to my urges, mostly led by the lack of fast, easy, and healthy foods in the fridge. While struggling just to stay awake and function throughout the day, it's definitely not easy to prepare, cook, and eat nutritious meals/snacks 3-6 times daily.

(Graphic borrowed from here) 

While, I'd like to place 99% of the blame on my roommate who follows the diet of a sewage troll, it's all on me. I am responsible for the choices I make in my life, as well as the consequences that follow. And, I'm definitely paying for my bad decisions.

Today marks day 31 (the start of Month 2) of my new herbal treatment protocol for Lyme Disease and Co-infections. I'm relieved to say that this past month sort of flew by. I was very anxious about such a drastic change in treatment, and how my body was going to react. So far, I think I am tolerating it okay! I look back through this month, and haven't had any huge, scary Herxheimer reactions. Rather, I've been in an extremely increased amount of pain. (WRISTS, Ankle, Knee, Neck, Fingers, Head/Migraines.)

I think it's safe to say that these are actually a result of Glutenizing my body. I am majorly inflamed, bloated, EXHAUSTED, irritable, mildly depressed, and very, very dizzy. When someone hears about a food allergy they immediately think about an anaphylactic shock type of reaction, or stomach symptoms. NOT neurological or physical reactions. I've proven to myself through several highly experimental tests, that indeed, Gluten and food allergies are both detrimental to my brain and my body.

I'm not sure whether it is the temptation, or the skepticism that keeps me coming back for more. Regardless, I need help. It's gotten to the point of feeling like there are monsters inside of me controlling my food impulses. I FEEL like a monster. I can't stop. (I hate the word "can't", but I'm so far in a hole that I don't feel like there's a way out at this point.)

Do you want to know the sad part? I'm not even eating anything that spectacular. I'm eating toast. And LOTS of it. WTF is wrong with me?! You would think I'd be going for junk food, or decadent desserts, but nope. I am craving toast. Not just any toast, mind you...Sourdough toast. My Kryptonite. It's quick, easy, delicious, and poisonous. Not only is the gluten making me ill, but the yeast is surely feeding my Lyme and Candida. =(

Logically, I should just be able to tell myself "HEY, STOP IT!" Sadly, I've fallen too deep into the abyss. I'm actually at the point of looking for a new place to live because I cannot "Just Say No". I need to be in a clean and safe environment to be able to detox and get healthy.

It frustrates me because I know I'm not a weak person. I'd surely be dead, considering all that I've overcome; but throw toxic, mind-altering substances into the mix, and it's a whole other ballgame.

Welp, I've done it before, so I can do it again! Let's kick Gluten in the ass!

Awkward questions deserve awkward answers, right?

‎23:23:03 Sat, Jan 4, 2014 

"What have you been up to?‎"

‎

Oh, these 6 little words, I loathe thee. I almost never know how to respond to this question, or the dreaded, "How are you?!" ‎I'm not sure if this is because I am just so damn awkward, or if I am ashamed or just too slow to think of a proper and honest answer. So, I usually slap on a sugary sweet smile, and instinctively blurt out, "Ohhh, not much." or the automatic, "Good, how are you?!" or even the almost intolerable, "Nothing." or "Fine."

I pride myself on being a kind, genuine, respectable , and mostly classy person. But above all, honest. So, you can probably see why the aforementioned automatic responses are duly frowned upon in my book, yet I continue to lie through my teeth when asked these uncomfortable and often too personal questions. 

Here I am asking myself ,"Why?". ‎Why do I lie to strangers at the checkout? Why do I lie to acquaintances? Why do I lie to nearly every person that I come into contact with who blurbs out these oh-so-nonchalant greetings? 

I've come to these conclusions:

I am probably too "out of it" to respond correctly or honestly. It's pretty sad when *thinking*‎ takes too much energy. 

I probably don't feel comfortable enough with ‎the askee to divulge sensitive information such as, "Oh, you know...just the usual, explosive diarrhea with a case of the giggles...An average Tuesday evening in SickVille." or "My uterus is attacking me from the inside, out!" 

What about when "Nothing." really is the truth? I tend to like to appear much less pathetic than I actually am. It seems to ease people's uncomfortable thoughts and feelings when learning the extent of my so-called Life. So, I put on a hefty smile and think of something appropriate to share. (Mind you, this does not happen often, I usually stick to the least complicated method of conversation.) This is all happening subconsciously and within seconds of the dreaded Question. So, if you ever receive an automated response, don't be offended, it's not that I don't want to share precious information with you, I probably can't or don't know how at the moment. 

Then, there are the situations when someone genuinely cares and wants to know how/what I've been doing. ‎These are almost as difficult, because oftentimes, I don't know how honest I should be. Because *of course* I am thinking about the *other person* and don't want to worry them if I'm not doing well. (I'm working on being more honest and open about my thoughts and feelings and learning to ask for help-in 2014.) 

I know I need to let people in, but dammit, abandonment sucks! I've been trying the whole, "I am me, and if you don't like, or can't handle my shit, then you don't deserve me." attitude. It is absolutely logical, and sometimes it helps to snap me back into gear when I'm feeling very inwardly awkward, but the fact is, I've been isolated from social events (Read: society) for so long that I've  changed. I used to be a friggin social butterfly! 

I've forgotten how to just be. How to interact with people in a natural way. How to have a damn conversation with someone. Call it Socially Retarded, Social Anxiety, Socially Awkward, or just plain Lame; that's me. I'm overly stimulated by outside forces and inwardly damaged by physical and neurological disabilities. Cool! 

But, I am me! And, I'm learning to adapt.

Please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences!