Wasting Time and Climbing Mountains

Lying in bed pondering life while listening to one of my favorite albums. Feeling mighty nostalgic and introspective. I've often worried that I've wasted away my most precious years to being sick. 

My pride has left the building. That time comes when you have to admit that you need help with some of life's most basic responsibilities. I am grateful that my mom and I are so close, but it still sucks that I can't be an independent adult. It sucks that my body doesn't do the things it's supposed to do, or even the things it used to do. But hey, that doesn't mean it won't get better with treatment. What choice do I have but to be hopeful? Else, I weep. And with my plummeting blood pressure, I need to keep as many of my bodily fluids as possible.

I now know that I'm not just wasting time, I'm living life. My life. The only one I have and the only way I know how, right now. This is it, this is who I am and where I'm meant to be at this moment in time. It certainly doesn't mean this is it, forever. It is what it is, and I can only react to the now. If I can't change things, I must learn to adapt, and enjoy the life that I have. It's all about the little things that I find beauty in, or that make me smile or laugh. 

Trust me, I've spent quite some time wallowing in self pity in the past. It's not worth it. That was truly a waste of time. I've seen terrifying darkness with no light at the end of the tunnel. I refuse to go back there. So, now, I just do life. I don't worry about whether I'm doing it "right". I don't compare myself to my "healthy" peers with their fancy jobs and their fancy cars and fancy families, or what others might think about my situation. (Fun fact: They're most likely too busy worrying about themselves anyway.)

Everyone's path is uniquely beautiful...Let's all go for a little hike up a mountain, shall we? Warning! It's going to be a bumpy ride, and we inevitably, won't all make it to the top at the exact same time, nor will we have the same experiences or memories. One of us might be staring down at the dirt to see where the next step will be placed, to avoid rocks, or holes, or lizards. Another, gazing forward, counting the steps until we hit the peak and occasionally, glancing behind to see how far we've come. Another, stopping every few minutes to snap a photo and absorb the surroundings before continuing onward. There's no right or wrong way to climb your mountain. You're allowed to go at your own pace, or ask a pal to give you a hand with your pack, or even go backwards or stray from the path for a bit. Just don't fall off the ledge. 

So, I spend most days in bed sleeping or watching The Netflick (eyes permitting), or reading/researching/writing/filming (brain permitting), or listening to music, or exercising/physical therapy/swimming (body permitting), all of which between and among a most tedious treatment plan, and struggling to prepare and eat 2-3 very restrictive meals per day, while climbing metaphorical mountains. 

Summary: Yes, I am wasting time, but I'm making the most of it and enjoying it while I can!

What are your some of your favorite ways of wasting time?

P.S., Sorry about the quality of photos, they were taken on the way home from my doctor's appointment a few months ago. "The best camera is the one that's with you." —Chase Jarvis :)