Awkward questions deserve awkward answers, right?

‎23:23:03 Sat, Jan 4, 2014 

"What have you been up to?‎"

‎

Oh, these 6 little words, I loathe thee. I almost never know how to respond to this question, or the dreaded, "How are you?!" ‎I'm not sure if this is because I am just so damn awkward, or if I am ashamed or just too slow to think of a proper and honest answer. So, I usually slap on a sugary sweet smile, and instinctively blurt out, "Ohhh, not much." or the automatic, "Good, how are you?!" or even the almost intolerable, "Nothing." or "Fine."

I pride myself on being a kind, genuine, respectable , and mostly classy person. But above all, honest. So, you can probably see why the aforementioned automatic responses are duly frowned upon in my book, yet I continue to lie through my teeth when asked these uncomfortable and often too personal questions. 

Here I am asking myself ,"Why?". ‎Why do I lie to strangers at the checkout? Why do I lie to acquaintances? Why do I lie to nearly every person that I come into contact with who blurbs out these oh-so-nonchalant greetings? 

I've come to these conclusions:

I am probably too "out of it" to respond correctly or honestly. It's pretty sad when *thinking*‎ takes too much energy. 

I probably don't feel comfortable enough with ‎the askee to divulge sensitive information such as, "Oh, you know...just the usual, explosive diarrhea with a case of the giggles...An average Tuesday evening in SickVille." or "My uterus is attacking me from the inside, out!" 

What about when "Nothing." really is the truth? I tend to like to appear much less pathetic than I actually am. It seems to ease people's uncomfortable thoughts and feelings when learning the extent of my so-called Life. So, I put on a hefty smile and think of something appropriate to share. (Mind you, this does not happen often, I usually stick to the least complicated method of conversation.) This is all happening subconsciously and within seconds of the dreaded Question. So, if you ever receive an automated response, don't be offended, it's not that I don't want to share precious information with you, I probably can't or don't know how at the moment. 

Then, there are the situations when someone genuinely cares and wants to know how/what I've been doing. ‎These are almost as difficult, because oftentimes, I don't know how honest I should be. Because *of course* I am thinking about the *other person* and don't want to worry them if I'm not doing well. (I'm working on being more honest and open about my thoughts and feelings and learning to ask for help-in 2014.) 

I know I need to let people in, but dammit, abandonment sucks! I've been trying the whole, "I am me, and if you don't like, or can't handle my shit, then you don't deserve me." attitude. It is absolutely logical, and sometimes it helps to snap me back into gear when I'm feeling very inwardly awkward, but the fact is, I've been isolated from social events (Read: society) for so long that I've  changed. I used to be a friggin social butterfly! 

I've forgotten how to just be. How to interact with people in a natural way. How to have a damn conversation with someone. Call it Socially Retarded, Social Anxiety, Socially Awkward, or just plain Lame; that's me. I'm overly stimulated by outside forces and inwardly damaged by physical and neurological disabilities. Cool! 

But, I am me! And, I'm learning to adapt.

Please feel free to share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences!