Today was the day. December 18. 2013. The day my life was going to change. Or so I thought. I've had an appointment scheduled with a LLMD for about 4 months now.
This led to that, and complications with insurance, and delays with current doctors, loose ends needing tied up- all of this forced me to have to wait to see the specialist. A moment I have been dreaming about, yes, seriously, for probably about my whole life.
The way I think of it is this: I've waited this long for answers, I can absolutely survive another month. Who knows, there might be someone who needed this appointment more than I do, and it might just be their Holiday miracle. It also gives me more time to detox my poor lil ol' body.
Since I can remember, I have always had something wrong with my body. I was always sick. Something *always* hurt. It wasn't always the same thing, almost like my body was on rotation, which was almost somehow worse. Having to explain that while, yesterday I could not use my right wrist at all, today, however it is my left wrist that is unbearably painful. Swap out "wrist" with any imaginable body part, and on a daily basis, this is how the story goes.
Pain is really only a part of my problems. I am afflicted with a terrible brain, that supposedly checks out just fine. Wanna hear a little secret? Well, the things that are often unseen are sometimes the most fun, and ironically, present the most problems. *ahem*
My autonomic nervous system (the thermostat of the body, that controls every body function that you're unaware of) is WHACKED.
Imagine, if you will, a vehicle that is stuck in 1st gear while going up a steep incline. You let off the accelerator, while simultaneously feathering the clutch, but something is not right. Something is out of sync and you stall out. You start to roll backwards at an incredibly frightening speed. You start to panic, your heart is pounding out of your chest, while racing at speeds faster than your body is going. You're quickly losing altitude, and gaining even more speed, but in the wrong direction! You start sweating. Nausea kicks in at the most inopportune moment. You think, well, "I'll just hit the accelerator even more..that'll help!" It doesn't. It makes it worse. You're already past the point of rescue. So. You slam on the brakes. It's the only option until you'll eventually and inevitably crash and burn. Then, you have to begin again. Very, very slowly. Even slower than you had begun the last time, because your engine is damaged and you must take care of it until it's on the mend. In 1st gear, again, you try to climb the mountain that is life. Eventually, you may make it to the top of an incline, a plateau, where you're unable to continue ahead, less you free-fall into the abyss. This. This, is your time to acknowledge how far you've come. To assess the damages. To appreciate what is around you. Take it all in, for you do not know if you will make it up the next climb. Take the necessary rest, and prepare for the next part of the journey of Operation: Road to Recovery.
Imagine, if you will, a vehicle that is stuck in 1st gear while going up a steep incline. You let off the accelerator, while simultaneously feathering the clutch, but something is not right. Something is out of sync and you stall out. You start to roll backwards at an incredibly frightening speed. You start to panic, your heart is pounding out of your chest, while racing at speeds faster than your body is going. You're quickly losing altitude, and gaining even more speed, but in the wrong direction! You start sweating. Nausea kicks in at the most inopportune moment. You think, well, "I'll just hit the accelerator even more..that'll help!" It doesn't. It makes it worse. You're already past the point of rescue. So. You slam on the brakes. It's the only option until you'll eventually and inevitably crash and burn. Then, you have to begin again. Very, very slowly. Even slower than you had begun the last time, because your engine is damaged and you must take care of it until it's on the mend. In 1st gear, again, you try to climb the mountain that is life. Eventually, you may make it to the top of an incline, a plateau, where you're unable to continue ahead, less you free-fall into the abyss. This. This, is your time to acknowledge how far you've come. To assess the damages. To appreciate what is around you. Take it all in, for you do not know if you will make it up the next climb. Take the necessary rest, and prepare for the next part of the journey of Operation: Road to Recovery.
No comments:
Post a Comment